It’s becoming a habit. When I wake between 2-3am in the middle of the night sleeping in my bed becomes unmanageable. I’ve stopped crying; the worry, the sadness, the guilt- but I can’t fall back to sleep. He used to be there. Laying next to me. When I woke in the middle of the night I could cuddle and pet him until I drifted back into a quiet, restful mind.
It’s been 4 weeks since he disappeared. I was at the college. It was the Thursday before finals. When I got home at 2pm I learned he had gotten out around noon. My mother had been babysitting my daughter when she accidentally let our two dogs out of the house to get the mail. Cleo, our 5 yr old black Lab had come back. Bailey, our 4yr old yellow lab never did.
We’ve looked. Shelters, vets, animal control, facebook and next door groups, posters… The hubby and I have been out multiple times walking trails along the river; calling his name and questioned or searched every homeless camp we found.
Now when I wake the space between the hubby and I is occupied with blankets. He is gone. My 65 lb yellow lab is gone. Just weeks before he disappeared when the holidays were coming near I said “when I smell him I feel love.” We had developed a huge bond this past year. In May he had possibly eaten poison. He almost died. He spent 3 days with the vet and we brought him home not knowing if he would survive. We had to wait through the weekend to see if he would improve or if we had to put him down. Our emergency fund had run out and we didn’t have the hundreds to thousands more to spend for more tests. Truth was we never found out what was wrong- the next test was over $400. So we brought him home with experimental medicine and food. He survived.
After being sick he changed. It probably took a few years off the end of his life but he was better again, he was healthy. But it had changed his mind / personality a touch. His anxiety level increased. He was the same loveable, gentle giant, but the fear in him had risen. And when he got out once before he didn’t come back home. The hubby had to get in his jeep and found him two blocks away. Just the sight of our jeep made the dog happy and he jumped in without hesitation. That wasn’t like him at all. He had never strayed very far from the house before. He had never strayed very far from my side. When I was around, he was in the room.
The day he disappeared the hubby and I were both gone. My mother was watching my 3 year old. She tried walking down the street but didn’t have a car seat to take the toddler in car. She texted my Husband but he was at work. He came 30 min later and spent over 2 hours looking for him. Some had sighted him over a mile away 30 min after he got out- but from there the trail dissappeared. It’s been a month now.
In the middle of the night when I can’t sleep I come to his spot on the couch. I can still smell him on the couch and on the blanket. I lay my head on a pillow near his scent and instantly I feel calmer, relaxed. The couch is old and quite uncomfortable with springs that dig into my shoulders and back, but it’s all I have left.
The Art of Building My Smile 